Honesty from Italy

 For those of you who are not aware, I am currently working as an au pair (nanny) in the beautiful city of Trieste, Italy. I have been here for almost a week. My responsibilities involve helping a wonderful mother of three with the various duties that accompany caring for three young children. She and her husband both have jobs of their own and are great parents to their kids. They have a 6 year old son and twin girls who are 4.
The internet is full of blogs, Facebook/Instagram posts, etc. where travellers in their twenties brag about how they are having the time of their life. This post is not about that. I want to be honest about my experience and do not want to portray it as something that it is not. This sounds like a really negative topic to post about. However, I do not want this post to be discouraging, or to come across as if I am ungrateful or desire sympathy. I just want to be honest about the fact that life is not aways full of cheer and good times (even if you are living in your dream country).
This week has been a whirlwind (to say the least). I continue to experience culture shock, and am realizing that living in a country is a completely different thing from visiting a country for a few weeks. I am adjusting to a new job, new household, new language, new food, new terrain, new people, new lifestyle and a new family to live with. There are several things that are different, strange and that I don't like. Something that I have realized about being an au pair is that I have to adjust to the lifestyle of the family that I am with. This lifestyle is very different than my own. I am a very independent person, so I desire the freedom to make my own choices about my lifestyle, However, living in someone else's house with three young kids means that I constantly have to set an example. This means following some rules that apply to four and six year-olds, not twenty-three year-olds. This is just an example of how the transition has been challenging.
This past weekend was very lonely and I do not yet have friends or a church community to be involved in. I am continuing to search out these things. I also plan to get involved in language classes and go to a local gym three times a week. I could use prayer that all of these things will come together.
Another thing that I want to point out is that I have not posted any pictures (or taken any so far). This is because I want to be authentic about my experience. I didn't feel right about posting a picture of the beautiful Canale Grande or any other sights because this weekend was extremely lonely. I explored the city and got lost a few times. I mostly wished that I had people around me to share in the experience. I am thankful, but I have also wondered if I made a mistake and if I shouldn't be here. I think that the knowledge of being so far from home both in time and distance increases my doubt and homesickness. I am not going to post photos of with the kids right now and pretend that we are already best friends. We are still getting to know each other and there have been good times and hard times. There is a major language barrier between the kids and I, which makes it even more difficult to get to know them and vice versa.
At this point I continue to try and stay positive each day. I hope and prayer that things will get better. I try to trust that God has me here for a reason and that I didn't make a wrong decision. It is not always God who I doubt, but I also doubt myself. I believe I had the free will to choose to come here, but I wonder how God will use me or why he brought me here. I wonder if he called me here or if I just came here out of selfish ambition. I think I had/have good intentions. I desire to make a difference in the lives of these kids and their parents. I want to get involved in a church and serve the people in that church. I want to make friends and experience the beauty of God's world with them. These are some of the honest motivations behind this journey. Yet I am often left doubting/wondering why I am currently in Italy.
I realize that this all sounds pretty discouraging and my hope is always for my blog posts to be encouraging. I think that something I continue to learn is to push through and persevere. According to societal standards, I am going through an experience that is supposed to be the climactic time of my life. Traveling through Europe in your twenties is the dream! Everyone wants to come here and not everyone gets to. I am so lucky! #blessed. However, no matter where you are in the world, life can be full of hurt, loneliness and confusion. We are blessed because God has greater spiritual blessings for us than what we can experience through worldly pleasures.
I continue to hope and prayer that things will get easier and better. I continue to pray for a positive outlook and hope that I will get through this time of uncertainty. I have no idea what is in my future. Realistically though, the hope I have in Jesus Messiah and the love of God are the only things that I can ever be certain of. For this reason, I keep trusting that God will help me and use me wherever I am. I will keep trying to work through my doubt and uncertainty with God's help.

Singleness: Me, Myself and...

The other day I had the privilege of attending the wedding of a dear friend. It was a beautiful ceremony and I appreciated how the gospel message was explicitly proclaimed. I am so happy that this friend has found the love of her life and (more importantly) that their relationship strives to place Christ first.

I personally love going to weddings. I think that they are fun and joyful events. However, after living in a Christian environment for the past four years and attending several weddings there is a temptation to be discontent, covetous, apathetic and even critical when it comes to couples, engagements and weddings. I want to focus on the theme discontentment. This is something that I have observed in myself and in what comes out of others. I can only speak from a woman’s perspective, but I think men will be able to relate (in some ways at least) to my thoughts on this. Hopefully what I say will be encouraging to singles and to people who are in relationships.

At the Bible school that I attend marriage is often over-emphasized. In my opinion, the focus of marriage and the search for a significant-other becomes an Idol. Friendships with the opposite sex become something that should lead to more instead of healthy, Christ-centred friendships. This is not the way that it should be! Personally, I am quite content with being single. I know that I am blessed whether I am single or in a relationship. Unfortunately, this is not something that I am often encouraged in. Lately I have had to listen to several friends voice complaints or comments about being single. I have listened to other women talk about how they love the Lord so much, yet ninety-percent of their conversation revolves around boys and relationships. Sometimes it seems as if the purpose of being a woman who loves the Lord is to find a man who loves the Lord. When this happens I feel utterly defeated, as if the focus of my life should be to find a man. If I don’t have a man I am a failure and there must be something wrong with me. This is an extremely disillusioned mindset! We should not be loving Christ in order to receive benefits from him (especially ones that are fleeting and worldly)! We should love God because he is God and through a relationship with him we get God! This is far more than we deserve!

The truth is that I have several dreams and plans. These plans do not rely on another person; on a mortal idol that provides me with no hope. These dreams require a God that is far greater than any man. My plans only have purpose if YHWH is the reason for them. My path involves the guidance of the Holy Spirit. My devotion must be to a man who was willing to die for me. This is the greatest man who has ever lived. He will come again! Before this man returns I want to be ready. I want to love him as deeply as possible. I want to accept his love and love others because of his love.

Single (and non-single) friends,

I am asking you to encourage one another in your relationship with God. Please hold each other (myself included) accountable in this area. I want to clarify that I am not against relationships. Relationships with the opposite gender can be so wonderful, but Christ needs to come first! Please take this into account not just in you actions, but in your thoughts, words and deeds. Analyze what is in the depths of your heart. Ask yourselves if Christ is there or if there is something replacing him. We need to be careful about how we influence one another. What is in our hearts is what will come out of us. I hope that Christ is the focus of our hearts and that what comes out of us is pleasing to him and encouraging to others.

Inadequacy 

Here it is.  A new school year.  A new to do list.  Another endless set of responsibilities that overwhelm and excite me.  A constant tension between trial and joy and a realization that the two are one in the same.  A beautiful journey.

This year I find myself overwhelmed by my inadequacy.  I have set myself up with a list of responsibilities that intimidate me, yet I know if I avoided them I would be taking the easy way out.  I have to make myself do things that scare me and step out of my comfort zone.  I am not willing to settle for a mediocre life or mediocre experiences. 

My own protest against mediocrity can often contribute to the source of my anxiety.  Now I would say the root source of my anxiety would not be myself.  As a devout Christian I believe that the prince of this world is the root of this anxiety (this prince is the devil.  We must not forget that Christ is the King of Kings; a ruler far greater than any prince).  This is where the lies come from.  Then my own nature takes over.  I can water the root of these lies or I can let the root dry out and die for a time.  Lately I have found myself watering the root.  I have overwhelmed myself with an identity of inferiority and insufficiency.  I feel as though no matter what I do I simply cannot measure up.  I think of how I am not enough in every way possible.  I just want to be good enough.

Now this is where the answer becomes difficult.  I could easily conclude this blog entry by saying “pray to Jesus” and everything will be better.  I could take a Bible verse out of context and say something fluffy about Proverbs 3:5,6 or Jeremiah 29:11.  Yes prayer is so important and there is endless wisdom found in scripture.  However, maybe the answer lies within the problem itself.  Our Lord does not call us to be sufficient or adequate.  The truth is that no one will ever be sufficient or adequate.  Rather, we are asked to be humble and meek.  We are told that the last shall be first, the humble shall be exalted and the meek will inherit the earth.  Furthermore, the realization of our inadequacy draws us to a desperation and awe of God’s grace.  This deep desperation draws us to true worship.

Now, the feeling of mediocrity is a complete lie that I want to abolish in my life and the lives of others.  This idea arrises from comparison.  Everyone is comparing themselves to the next person, the next “big shot”.  To believe this lie is to disregard our stewardship  of the gifts and skills the Lord has given us.  

A professor of mine once talked about how past Roman societies functioned.  He briefly explained that each individual was given a role.  Whether that role be peasant or king the individual owned that role to the best of their ability.  This was done in order to contribute the best they could to society.  At present, our society is far too individualistic for this type of structure.  We find ourselves owning our roles and responsibilities in a way that constantly strives for personal achievement.  We always want to be bigger and better than the next guy.  I think that out of this individualistic pursuit comes my own sense of mediocrity.  The problem then, becomes a question of motives.  The pursuit of perfection and achievement replaces a desire to glorify God and love others.  

Because of Christ our true selves are not made to be individualistic. Our eternal selves (as St. Augustine suggests) will be “inter homines esse” meaning “To be in the company of men”.  Roman language described living as “being among men”.  As Christians we kind of agree with the Platonic idea of dying in order to be in our rightful state.  Once we are done our earthly life we shall be then truly living.  By living we are among men and by dying we are our truly living.  We assume that our future lives will be spent with all the saints.  

What I can conclude from these thoughts is that maybe glorifying God and serving our neighbour consists of taking the responsibilities we are given and striving at them with all we have.  The drive and pursuit doesn’t necessarily change, but the motives do.  My motivation should not be based on personal achievement, honour or exaltation.  My motivation should be for the glory of God and benefit of others.  The rewards of this are far from mediocre.  


“Welcome, Prince,” said Aslan. “Do you feel yourself sufficient to take up the Kingship of Narnia?”
“I-I don’t think I Do, sir,” said Caspian. “I’m only a kid.”
“Good,” said Aslan.”If you had felt yourself sufficient , it would have been a proof that you were not.”

- C.S. Lewis, Prince Caspian

“The Terrestrial and Infernal Venus” (and other thoughts)

A while ago a male friend and I were talking and the direction of our conversation led me to share some of my struggles with low self-esteem and self image. To my surprise he told me that he had also struggled with negative self image. We began to discuss how western society has influenced our ideal of beauty. He told me that he did not know what real beauty was because the media and western culture had decided this for him. He had been robbed of the chance to discover his own opinions about beauty and attraction. In a sense, he felt brainwashed. Society had given him a model of beauty for twenty two years of his life.  He explained that he desired to break free from societies ties and discover the real meaning of the word “beauty”. 

This was an extremely encouraging conversation for me. As a woman I have often judged men and assumed that most (if not all) are shallow.  I decided long ago that men care mainly about the physical appearance. This (almost subconscious) opinion of men has caused me to judge many male acquaintances.  However, this conversation made me see a man’s perspective in a different light.  I think there may be more to the world’s standard of beauty than we fully understand.

I have been on a bit of a C.S. Lewis kick this summer. In The Screwtape Letters there is a particular chapter entitled “The Terrestrial and Infernal Venus”.  Here is a excerpt from the chapter that I found quite interesting (if you do not know what the book is about you may want to read a quick synopsis before reading this):

“It is the business of these great masters to produce in every age a general misdirection 

of what may be called sexual "taste". This they do by working through the small circle of

 popular artists, dressmakers, actresses and advertisers who determine the

 fashionable type. The aim is to guide each sex away from those members of the

other with whom spiritually helpful, happy, and fertile marriages are most likely. Thus we have now for many centuries triumphed over nature to the extent of making certain secondary characteristics of the male (such as the beard) disagreeable to nearly all the females—and there is more in that than you might suppose. As regards the male taste we have varied a good deal. At one time we have directed it to the statuesque and aristocratic type of beauty, mixing men's vanity with their desires and encouraging the race to breed chiefly from the most arrogant and prodigal women. At another, we have selected an exaggerated feminine type, faint and languishing, so that folly and cowardice, and all the general falseness and littleness of mind which go with them, shall be at a premium. At present we are on the opposite tack. The age of jazz has succeeded the age of the waltz, and we now teach men to like women whose bodies are scarcely distinguishable from those of boys. Since this is a kind of beauty even more transitory than most, we thus aggravate the female's chronic horror of growing old (with many excellent results) and render her less willing and less able to bear children. And that is not all. We have engineered a great increase in the license which society allows to the representation of the apparent nude (not the real nude) in art, and its exhibition on the stage or the bathing beach. It is all a fake, of course; the figures in the popular art are falsely drawn; the real women in bathing suits or tights are actually pinched in and propped up to make them appear firmer and more slender and more boyish than nature allows a full-grown woman to be. Yet at the same time, the modern world is taught to believe that it is being "frank" and "healthy" and getting back to  nature. As a result we are more and more directing the desires of men to something which does not exist—making the role of the eye in sexuality more and more important and at the same time making its demands more and more impossible.

...the unhappiness produced is of a very lasting and exquisite kind.”

I admit that out of these societal pressures I am often guilty of vanity. I find myself focusing far too much on the pressure to be thin.  I become extremely unhappy when I feel that I have failed at this and cannot measure up to this standard. In this particular chapter, Lewis reveals many schemes behind societal pressures.  He looks into the spiritual rather than material side of the matter.  I find it interesting that the concept of physical beauty has effected men and woman equally, but in entirely different ways.  Women often end up wanting to be something that they are not and never will be.  Men often end up wanting something that they cannot have because it doesn’t exist.

This makes me think that maybe there is no such thing as “beauty” (at least in terms of how society defines the word).  What if we erased all the magazines, websites, pornography, television shows, etc. along with the spiritual schemes that may arise from them? what is we were born into a world without a previously defined concept of beauty? (This is speaking mainly in terms of physical attractiveness).  I wonder if we would simply find physical attractiveness in every person. An “average looking” person might be just as beautiful to an ignorant and “untrained” eye as a super model.  This is a bizarre concept (and forgive me if it is an extremely poor argument), but maybe there is something to it.  

The last thing I want to mention is society’s changing concept of beauty. This is yet another clue that the Western definition of “beauty” is deceiving. Now, I am in no way saying that a super model is not stunningly gorgeous.  However, I want to look back at the first woman ever created. None of us can know for sure what Eve looked like, but to Adam she must have been the most beautiful creature he had ever laid eyes on. All we are sure of, according to biblical text, is that when he laid eyes on this woman he said “This is now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh” (Genesis 2:23). He said this because she was indeed these things, but to my understanding this was his way of betrothing himself to her.  Now in order for this to happen Adam must have had a strong physical attraction to her that was not necessarily based on her body type or facial structure. 

What I can conclude is that God made the first woman and said she was good. Eve was the only woman to exist before sin entered the world.  A perfect, spotless specimen.  She was beautiful.  She was a woman. She was not labeled by a worldly limit or standard of beauty.  She was God’s definition of beauty and (to make my conclusion super cheesy) aren’t we all in fact God’s definition of beauty?  Maybe we need to start asking God to show us beautiful things in one another. Maybe if we desire to see physical beauty through God’s perspective, and not our own tainted eyes, our concept of beauty might change.

What do you think about Michelangelo’s depiction of Eve? Can you see how absolutely stunning she is?

Jesus, Jesus

This year a friend of mine introduced me to the artist Derek Webb.  The more I listen to him the more I like him as a songwriter and artist.  I have a deep love for music and what can be communicated through this form of art. 

In "Mere Christianity" C.S. Lewis discusses the biblical imagery of harps in heaven.  He says that "Musical instruments are mentioned because for many people (not all) music is the thing known in the present life which most strongly suggests ecstasy and infinity."

For myself, music is something that can bring powerful words to life.  Lyrics are a big deal to me.  (This is why I struggle to worship when a song played at church consists of individualistic lyrics or a simple "oh" for an extended period of time).  Derek Webb has used his lyrics in a brilliant way.  He often has a point to make and (I truly believe) his desire is to encourage the church to strive for a more biblical outlook. We are flawed human beings and these days our churches can easily consist of several post-modern concepts that don’t necessarily have anything to do with what the Bible commands.  These are just things we need to be careful of.  This is one of the things that Derek Webb uses music to communicate about.  

Today I was searching for the meaning behind the song "Heaven" from Webb's Stockholm Syndrome album. From my understanding, this is a song written to call out our often misinterpreted, worldly idea of heaven. Webb basically says that if heaven was this way (a big party with our friends) it wouldn’t be very different from earth.  We would continue to have divisions between one other and even Christ.  While looking for the meaning behind this song I stumbled upon this:

 http://www.jesus-is-savior.com/Evils%20in%20America/CCM/derek_webb.htm 

Basically this is an article dissing Webb and attempting to argue (weakly) that Derek Webb is leading people astray, does not know the Gospel, etc, etc.  I did not make it through the whole article due to the frustration and anger that I was beginning to feel towards the person who wrote these things.  I stopped reading at this quote regarding another artist “[she is] a big phony and a disgrace to the name of Christ.” Can a person created by God no matter how sinful ever be a disgrace to the name of Christ? Sure a person can (and we all do) do things that disgrace his name. However, to label a person themselves as a disgrace seems to be an extremely ironic claim.  To call God’s creation a disgrace is a way of disgracing his name, in my opinion.

This brings me to another of Webb’s songs entitled “Freddy Please”.  This song is addressed to Fred Phelps who is an advocate of Westboro Baptist Church. 

Webb sings (in the form of Jesus speaking to Fred):

“How could you tell them you love me

when you hate me,

Freddie, please?”

“Cause Freddie can’t you see,
brother, you’re the one who’s queer?

And the stone’s been rolled away
but you’re picketing my grave
for loving the things you hate.”

This leads me to my final point.  These things break my heart, these things upset me greatly, these things are unjust! These behaviors cause Christians like Derek Webb to write songs like “Freddie Please” and artists such as Noah Gundersen to write beautifully tragic songs such as this.

So the final thing I want to say is specifically for any non-Christian readers (and I hope there are some) and those who are believers, but have been hurt greatly by the church.  Think of a doctor.  You might go to see a doctor and he might be a bad doctor.  He might prescribe a fix that does more harm than good.  Because of this you switch doctors, but your next doctor is no better (he may even be worse).  Does this mean you give up on the entire concept of medicine, medical care and treatment, surgery, etc.  Does this mean you begin to believe that no form of medical care has ever saved or helped anyone? I see this in the same way as I see the church and how it has hurt others.  The people of the church have hurt others.  We are flawed and all terribly wicked and I apologize for the horrible things we have done to disgrace Christ's name.  However, just because people have made great mistakes does not mean that the entire concept of Christianity (and Christ himself) should be associated with hate, legalism, homophobia, hypocrisy, etc.  This is far from the gospel of Christ and what Jesus said and did.  I hope this makes sense and puts things into a new perspective for those who read!