Inadequacy
Here it is. A new school year. A new to do list. Another endless set of responsibilities that overwhelm and excite me. A constant tension between trial and joy and a realization that the two are one in the same. A beautiful journey.
This year I find myself overwhelmed by my inadequacy. I have set myself up with a list of responsibilities that intimidate me, yet I know if I avoided them I would be taking the easy way out. I have to make myself do things that scare me and step out of my comfort zone. I am not willing to settle for a mediocre life or mediocre experiences.
My own protest against mediocrity can often contribute to the source of my anxiety. Now I would say the root source of my anxiety would not be myself. As a devout Christian I believe that the prince of this world is the root of this anxiety (this prince is the devil. We must not forget that Christ is the King of Kings; a ruler far greater than any prince). This is where the lies come from. Then my own nature takes over. I can water the root of these lies or I can let the root dry out and die for a time. Lately I have found myself watering the root. I have overwhelmed myself with an identity of inferiority and insufficiency. I feel as though no matter what I do I simply cannot measure up. I think of how I am not enough in every way possible. I just want to be good enough.
Now this is where the answer becomes difficult. I could easily conclude this blog entry by saying “pray to Jesus” and everything will be better. I could take a Bible verse out of context and say something fluffy about Proverbs 3:5,6 or Jeremiah 29:11. Yes prayer is so important and there is endless wisdom found in scripture. However, maybe the answer lies within the problem itself. Our Lord does not call us to be sufficient or adequate. The truth is that no one will ever be sufficient or adequate. Rather, we are asked to be humble and meek. We are told that the last shall be first, the humble shall be exalted and the meek will inherit the earth. Furthermore, the realization of our inadequacy draws us to a desperation and awe of God’s grace. This deep desperation draws us to true worship.
Now, the feeling of mediocrity is a complete lie that I want to abolish in my life and the lives of others. This idea arrises from comparison. Everyone is comparing themselves to the next person, the next “big shot”. To believe this lie is to disregard our stewardship of the gifts and skills the Lord has given us.
A professor of mine once talked about how past Roman societies functioned. He briefly explained that each individual was given a role. Whether that role be peasant or king the individual owned that role to the best of their ability. This was done in order to contribute the best they could to society. At present, our society is far too individualistic for this type of structure. We find ourselves owning our roles and responsibilities in a way that constantly strives for personal achievement. We always want to be bigger and better than the next guy. I think that out of this individualistic pursuit comes my own sense of mediocrity. The problem then, becomes a question of motives. The pursuit of perfection and achievement replaces a desire to glorify God and love others.
Because of Christ our true selves are not made to be individualistic. Our eternal selves (as St. Augustine suggests) will be “inter homines esse” meaning “To be in the company of men”. Roman language described living as “being among men”. As Christians we kind of agree with the Platonic idea of dying in order to be in our rightful state. Once we are done our earthly life we shall be then truly living. By living we are among men and by dying we are our truly living. We assume that our future lives will be spent with all the saints.
What I can conclude from these thoughts is that maybe glorifying God and serving our neighbour consists of taking the responsibilities we are given and striving at them with all we have. The drive and pursuit doesn’t necessarily change, but the motives do. My motivation should not be based on personal achievement, honour or exaltation. My motivation should be for the glory of God and benefit of others. The rewards of this are far from mediocre.
“Welcome, Prince,” said Aslan. “Do you feel yourself sufficient to take up the Kingship of Narnia?”
“I-I don’t think I Do, sir,” said Caspian. “I’m only a kid.”
“Good,” said Aslan.”If you had felt yourself sufficient , it would have been a proof that you were not.”
- C.S. Lewis, Prince Caspian
