Honesty from Italy

 For those of you who are not aware, I am currently working as an au pair (nanny) in the beautiful city of Trieste, Italy. I have been here for almost a week. My responsibilities involve helping a wonderful mother of three with the various duties that accompany caring for three young children. She and her husband both have jobs of their own and are great parents to their kids. They have a 6 year old son and twin girls who are 4.
The internet is full of blogs, Facebook/Instagram posts, etc. where travellers in their twenties brag about how they are having the time of their life. This post is not about that. I want to be honest about my experience and do not want to portray it as something that it is not. This sounds like a really negative topic to post about. However, I do not want this post to be discouraging, or to come across as if I am ungrateful or desire sympathy. I just want to be honest about the fact that life is not aways full of cheer and good times (even if you are living in your dream country).
This week has been a whirlwind (to say the least). I continue to experience culture shock, and am realizing that living in a country is a completely different thing from visiting a country for a few weeks. I am adjusting to a new job, new household, new language, new food, new terrain, new people, new lifestyle and a new family to live with. There are several things that are different, strange and that I don't like. Something that I have realized about being an au pair is that I have to adjust to the lifestyle of the family that I am with. This lifestyle is very different than my own. I am a very independent person, so I desire the freedom to make my own choices about my lifestyle, However, living in someone else's house with three young kids means that I constantly have to set an example. This means following some rules that apply to four and six year-olds, not twenty-three year-olds. This is just an example of how the transition has been challenging.
This past weekend was very lonely and I do not yet have friends or a church community to be involved in. I am continuing to search out these things. I also plan to get involved in language classes and go to a local gym three times a week. I could use prayer that all of these things will come together.
Another thing that I want to point out is that I have not posted any pictures (or taken any so far). This is because I want to be authentic about my experience. I didn't feel right about posting a picture of the beautiful Canale Grande or any other sights because this weekend was extremely lonely. I explored the city and got lost a few times. I mostly wished that I had people around me to share in the experience. I am thankful, but I have also wondered if I made a mistake and if I shouldn't be here. I think that the knowledge of being so far from home both in time and distance increases my doubt and homesickness. I am not going to post photos of with the kids right now and pretend that we are already best friends. We are still getting to know each other and there have been good times and hard times. There is a major language barrier between the kids and I, which makes it even more difficult to get to know them and vice versa.
At this point I continue to try and stay positive each day. I hope and prayer that things will get better. I try to trust that God has me here for a reason and that I didn't make a wrong decision. It is not always God who I doubt, but I also doubt myself. I believe I had the free will to choose to come here, but I wonder how God will use me or why he brought me here. I wonder if he called me here or if I just came here out of selfish ambition. I think I had/have good intentions. I desire to make a difference in the lives of these kids and their parents. I want to get involved in a church and serve the people in that church. I want to make friends and experience the beauty of God's world with them. These are some of the honest motivations behind this journey. Yet I am often left doubting/wondering why I am currently in Italy.
I realize that this all sounds pretty discouraging and my hope is always for my blog posts to be encouraging. I think that something I continue to learn is to push through and persevere. According to societal standards, I am going through an experience that is supposed to be the climactic time of my life. Traveling through Europe in your twenties is the dream! Everyone wants to come here and not everyone gets to. I am so lucky! #blessed. However, no matter where you are in the world, life can be full of hurt, loneliness and confusion. We are blessed because God has greater spiritual blessings for us than what we can experience through worldly pleasures.
I continue to hope and prayer that things will get easier and better. I continue to pray for a positive outlook and hope that I will get through this time of uncertainty. I have no idea what is in my future. Realistically though, the hope I have in Jesus Messiah and the love of God are the only things that I can ever be certain of. For this reason, I keep trusting that God will help me and use me wherever I am. I will keep trying to work through my doubt and uncertainty with God's help.